Rediscover your Authentic Voice & How to Please Yourself
People-pleasing puts everyone else's feelings and needs above your own. This results in anxiety, depression, codependence, and burnout. You can't access your voice, you lose yourself. I help "people-pleasers" learn to love themselves as much as they show love and care to others.
Are you a people-pleaser?
You have been called "too nice" or "self-less"; like The Giving Tree, you give, and give, and give.
You are the strong one who holds everyone together. Like a superhero, you swoop in and "save" everyone around you. While this really can be a superpower, it leaves little energy for yourself.
You are the strong one who holds everyone together. Like a superhero, you swoop in and "save" everyone around you. While this really can be a superpower, it leaves little energy for yourself.
Luisa from Disney's El Canto, the strong sister
You try to "fix" other people's problems for them. You take responsibility for their pain. You believe they won't be ok without your help.
You expect yourself to be everything to everyone, to hold everyone up. But since you are a mere mortal, you are tired. It's too much for one person. You can't keep this up forever, not without collapsing.
So focused on everyone else, you avoid your own feelings and needs. Eventually, you know longer know what you feel anymore.
You minimize and invalidate your own pain. You label others' struggles as "more painful" than yours; you play “suffering Olympics” - and you lose every time.
While you're first to offer help, you're the last to ask for it.
You wear a "Happy Mask": you smile when you're sad, say you're "fine" when you're not, and hide your vulnerability. It's important to you that people see you as strong, solid, together, agreeable.
So focused on everyone else, you avoid your own feelings and needs. Eventually, you know longer know what you feel anymore.
You minimize and invalidate your own pain. You label others' struggles as "more painful" than yours; you play “suffering Olympics” - and you lose every time.
While you're first to offer help, you're the last to ask for it.
You wear a "Happy Mask": you smile when you're sad, say you're "fine" when you're not, and hide your vulnerability. It's important to you that people see you as strong, solid, together, agreeable.
You pretend to agree with others when you don't. You go along with their preferences even when you don't share them.
You say yes to Pizza when you want Sushie.
You are overly accommodating in relationships, over-extending or changing yourself, like a chameleon changes colour depending on its environment.
You tend to lose yourself in relationships.
You trade in your authenticity for approval, for the promise of love, or a sense of worthiness, of inner value.
If you are honest with yourself, you are desperate for people to like you.
You feel you have to work hard to earn other people's approval, affection, love. You don't feel entitled to it just as you are.
You leave yourself with just the scraps. Self-care feels foreign. Selfish, even. It makes you feel guilty.
You have a hard time setting boundaries and advocating for your own needs, particularly in close relationships. This leaves you feeling resentful and underappreciated, but you push that away.
You suppress your anger. When you do finally try to stand up for yourself, you find yourself blocked, your throat closed, your voice lost.
You say yes to Pizza when you want Sushie.
You are overly accommodating in relationships, over-extending or changing yourself, like a chameleon changes colour depending on its environment.
You tend to lose yourself in relationships.
You trade in your authenticity for approval, for the promise of love, or a sense of worthiness, of inner value.
If you are honest with yourself, you are desperate for people to like you.
You feel you have to work hard to earn other people's approval, affection, love. You don't feel entitled to it just as you are.
You leave yourself with just the scraps. Self-care feels foreign. Selfish, even. It makes you feel guilty.
You have a hard time setting boundaries and advocating for your own needs, particularly in close relationships. This leaves you feeling resentful and underappreciated, but you push that away.
You suppress your anger. When you do finally try to stand up for yourself, you find yourself blocked, your throat closed, your voice lost.
Ariel, from Disney's LIttle Mermaid, sacrifices her voice for the promise of connection
You're afraid to "rock the boat." You sacrifice yourself and your authentic self-expression to keep the peace, to protect other peoples' feelings.
You're afraid of conflict, afraid that others will get hurt, get mad at you, leave you, fall apart, or perhaps worse, be disappointed in you.
You never feel good enough. When you really think about it, your huge efforts to please or help others are about your need to be needed, to be useful, helpful, of service.
You don't feel an inherent sense of worthiness of love and care. In the words of Brene Brown, you engage in "the hustle for worthiness."
You are very hard on yourself. You are your own toughest critic.
You're afraid of conflict, afraid that others will get hurt, get mad at you, leave you, fall apart, or perhaps worse, be disappointed in you.
You never feel good enough. When you really think about it, your huge efforts to please or help others are about your need to be needed, to be useful, helpful, of service.
You don't feel an inherent sense of worthiness of love and care. In the words of Brene Brown, you engage in "the hustle for worthiness."
You are very hard on yourself. You are your own toughest critic.
On the Outside
People see you as strong, "together," reliable, dependable.
You are conscientious, (overly) responsible, and caring.
You are in a helping profession or take on a helping role in relationships. Helping is a big part of your identity.
You are conscientious, (overly) responsible, and caring.
You are in a helping profession or take on a helping role in relationships. Helping is a big part of your identity.
Photo by Pixabay
You have that strong shoulder that everyone else can lean on.
You over-work and over-give to your workplace, communities, causes, or to individuals.
You over-work and over-give to your workplace, communities, causes, or to individuals.
You are motivated to heal your people-pleasing
You want to learn how to please yourself; love yourself as much as you love others.
You want to re-discover yourself, to gain clarity about what you really feel and need, and how to get your needs met - by both you and others.
You want to live life more authentically. You wish for freedom to be unapologetically you. To celebrate and respect yourself, to own your own value. To find your voice and express your inner truth.
You want to balance and improve your relationships by making more room for you in them. To not have to choose between connection and being you. You want both! You want the mutual give and take that allows for both a deeper connection and a more authentic you.
You want to feel more solid inside, to cultivate a calming sense of inner strength, a superpower you get to use for you.
You want to re-discover yourself, to gain clarity about what you really feel and need, and how to get your needs met - by both you and others.
You want to live life more authentically. You wish for freedom to be unapologetically you. To celebrate and respect yourself, to own your own value. To find your voice and express your inner truth.
You want to balance and improve your relationships by making more room for you in them. To not have to choose between connection and being you. You want both! You want the mutual give and take that allows for both a deeper connection and a more authentic you.
You want to feel more solid inside, to cultivate a calming sense of inner strength, a superpower you get to use for you.
Photo by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels
You want to be able to more fully stand up for yourself, uphold your boundaries, and reassert them, even when others don't seem to like or respect them.
At the same time, you want to be free to be vulnerable, to be real about your struggles, to ask for help when you need it.
You want to have more choice regarding your helping; you want to help not out of guilt or shame, but out of a deeper desire and passion.
You want to be able to take the time out to care for and nourish yourself, and have that be ok.
You want to accept and appreciate yourself, be kinder to yourself.
At the same time, you want to be free to be vulnerable, to be real about your struggles, to ask for help when you need it.
You want to have more choice regarding your helping; you want to help not out of guilt or shame, but out of a deeper desire and passion.
You want to be able to take the time out to care for and nourish yourself, and have that be ok.
You want to accept and appreciate yourself, be kinder to yourself.
I can Help
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Hi! I'm Aviva Bellman, an emotion-focused therapist based in Toronto.
I specialize in helping people-pleasers struggling with anxiety, depression, codependency, burnout, or self-worth issues. Drawing on Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), I can help you feel and express your own feelings, so that you can get what you really need from others, and from yourself. |
People-pleasing is an old pattern that often goes back to childhood. In fact, people pleasers often start out as parent pleasers. Since it's so deeply rooted, it can feel so impossible to change.
While it can take some time to heal, people-pleasing doesn't have to be your pattern forever.
While it can take some time to heal, people-pleasing doesn't have to be your pattern forever.
What Would it be Like If...
💜You could learn to practice healthy, loving, firm boundaries, without feeling (as) guilty.
💜You could re-balance your life and centre it more around yourself and your needs.
💜You could practice self-love and self-compassion.
💜You could consistently stand up for yourself.
💜You could respect your inner truth, and express it when you want to.
💜You didn't have to work so hard.
💜You could come to believe that you are unconditionally worthy of love, care, and respect - just as you are.
💜You could re-balance your life and centre it more around yourself and your needs.
💜You could practice self-love and self-compassion.
💜You could consistently stand up for yourself.
💜You could respect your inner truth, and express it when you want to.
💜You didn't have to work so hard.
💜You could come to believe that you are unconditionally worthy of love, care, and respect - just as you are.
Self-love art, downloaded from rawpixel
20 Minute No-Cost Consult
I invite you to schedule a no-cost video consultation to further explore whether my approach is a match for your therapy goals.
I invite you to schedule a no-cost video consultation to further explore whether my approach is a match for your therapy goals.
You can also get a better sense of me through my blog.